July 1: Productive Procrastination

I want to do almost anything else other than sit here and write something. 6pm on Wednesday. Now is usually the time I come up with something. Maybe I should go on a walk. Read the Wikipedia page of Jim Morrison. Decide it’s time to meal prep. Study flashcards of the capitals of every country in the world. Learn a song on guitar. Get a coffee. Take a shower. Call a friend. Fold my laundry. Dust the fan. Empty our trash. Scrub a toilet. 

Then it usually reaches a certain time of the evening where it just doesn’t make sense to start writing for the day. The NBA is on. Dinner sits in the fridge. Duolingo nudges me to practice. The sun gets in my eyes when I sit on the couch. It’s a better idea to write tomorrow… when I’m not as tired, and have more time to really dive into something. I’ll wake up, make some coffee, and start right away.

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I initially hoped moving to Madison would allow me to try writing. Write more. See if it can be a livelihood. Try to flip time upside down, and do the opposite of what I did in college. No classwork hanging over my head or temptation to drink every night with friends. I thought, if I could get away from all of that, I would create the environment to write. There would be nothing else to do but write. 

For a few months I wrote. I sent some film articles to publications. I logged what I watched on Letterboxd. I even worked on some scripts. But I also leaned into my job. I cared deeply about performing well and getting to know the system. I sought the need to prove my ability to learn quickly and show people I can do what is asked of someone in my role. Eventually all my attention shifted to the job. I didn’t really watch films unless I was on a flight, or my friends dragged me to a theater one day. And I didn’t really want to watch them, because that would require time away from work. Doing good work was fulfilling and energizing. Any moment away from work meant I was choosing to do something when I could otherwise give myself more fulfillment and energy. People would ask me if I’d seen something and I’d say, “Yea, I really need to”, without any confidence I would actually get myself to. When someone recommended a TV show, the initial feeling was dread, thinking about the hours it would strip me away from work. I simply didn’t have any time to watch and write about what I’m watching. 

It took time —and others’ help— but I eventually started shifting away from that toxic cycle. A form of productive procrastination, where the completion of meaningful work brought accomplishment, and I could live in a comfortable pocket by exerting myself enough to dodge addressing larger goals. A subconscious defense against the fear of writing something dumb. Thank god that I cannot write today, I have to make sure the preference cards are imported.

I quit my job in March. Today is July 1, and this is my first blog post. My productive procrastination urge leveled-up, leeching itself onto the prioritization of a healthy lifestyle. I went to the gym regularly and practiced Hindi, both things I rarely did while working, but I never got around to writing. It was easier to learn how to deadlift or practice the Devanagari script than sit at my computer and write. My frustration was mounting, and I felt the need to push people away. I felt the need to clear my already vacant calendar from any time with friends, so there was enough time to ease into the writing. Forget spending time with my empty-nest parents, I must protect my time to write, and then stay home and do anything besides write.

The purpose of the website is to help develop a habit. Carry inertia. Whether it is a quick film-critic-style review, a longer form essay, or just my thoughts on something happening and its impact on those of us in our 20s, the goal is to keep posting. 

Also, I don’t want to use this website as a way to be a museum piece of beating procrastination, or a set of posts where I hold the hubris to suggest how others should live their lives. I don’t know what shaunaktaxali.com is yet. If I sat here and tried to plan it out, there wouldn’t be anything here. A shape will form based on what I like writing and what you like reading.

Painters paint because they enjoy painting. The end game is to determine how I can feel the same writing.